Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
