I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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