is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
