WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
