i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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