I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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