checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
