he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
