holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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