My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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