boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
