just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wish you could order shots online.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
