Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
