Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
