i just sent this text using only my big toe
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
