a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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