How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
