My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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