Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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