Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
