did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
