We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
