My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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