Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
