I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
