dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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