I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
