I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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