party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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