I cannot find my penis.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
