I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
