just come out here and I will go home with you...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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