The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
