Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
