Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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