i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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