if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
