I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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