I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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