True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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