How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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