I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
