your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
