she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
