i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
