I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
