my phone needs a breathalizer
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
