how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
