your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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