my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
