I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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