My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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