When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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