She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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