She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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